This post is in honour of Global Have-a-Moan Day (which I just made up). Audience participation is encouraged!
Parquet flooring is the new impractical interior decor trend in Sicily. They like it because it is ridiculously expensive and regarded as exotic. Having parquet floors is a way to show off.
I used to quite like parquet when I had it in my house in England, despite the fact that real wood floors require careful maintenance.
1. You have to examine all your friends’ shoes before letting them enter the house, and confiscate stilettoes so your parquet won’t get little dents in it.
2. When throwing parties you have to transfer your guests’ drinks into sippy-cups when they are starting to look tipsy, since red wine stains on a parquet floor look forever more as if someone puked.
3. When someone looks as if they are about to puke, you have to lock them in the bathroom.
4. After you polish the parquet, you have to wear rubber-soled shoes for at least three days to avoid breaking your coccyx.
They sell fake wood parquet in England these days, made of Weetabix with a plastic photo of wood on top, but that only lasts a few years and then the moisture gets through, the Weetabix backing expands, and your floor is muesli.
The reason I hate parquet with a passion right now is because my neighbours have decided to have it laid throughout their house. The pneumatic drilling is so loud it is actually making my computer jiggle as I type.
The screen looks like a ripple tank and the vibrations have made my buttocks numb. Hubby phoned but, despite screaming like a Sicilian, I could not be heard and had to text him instead.
I texted this:
I have a whole month of this ahead of me, the neighbours blithely warned me, as they tootled off with their suitcases to some rented accommodation far, far away.
As soon as the drilling ceases, the sanding machines will start up:
I did try to tell the neighbours what they are getting themselves into, but they prefer to believe the purple prose of the salesman’s pitch instead.
“Of course you can wash parquet flooring by tossing a full bucket of soapy water over it, and swirling it around with a broom…. just like you clean your tile floors!”
“No no! We’re not drilling up all the tiles so that we can charge you more! Laying wood on top of porous, hydrophilic cement is a very sensible thing to do. Of course it won’t go mouldy!”
“You’re worried wood will warp if it is repeatedly made wet both top and bottom? Oh no! Certainly not!”
They’ll find out!
Then I’ll have another month of drilling, as they get all the bendy, mouldy wood removed and replaced with tiles again.
When that happens I shall go on holiday to a monastery where everyone takes a vow of silence.
I HAVE DECIDED TO DECLARE THIS GLOBAL HAVE-A-MOAN DAY.
What do you REALLY hate?
Let off steam right here!