Since I’m skint, and my part of Sicily has 49% unemployment, I’ve been researching how to make money from blogging. If this doesn’t work, my only option will be to work in one of Sicily’s 1,456,998 Chinese shops selling tiny polyester clothes which smell of mothballs.
I’ve found out there are three types of blogs that become global chart-toppers, in terms of visitor numbers and advertising profit potential. They are:
1. Nerd blogs about IT stuff
2. Celebrity Gossip blogs, and
3. Stay-at-Home mummy blogs about being a mummy and staying at home.
The reason for this is obvious, of course. These blogs are of interest to people with plenty of time to spend online.
Which type could I write?
1. Techno blog?
These are real because nerds do everything via their computer, so of course they will like reading about other computers while using their own one.
Their posts have titles like #AutoFunnel smart #Broadband rocks 234HGT Sony MegaDrive which I think is secret code for “New thing to buy and plug into that other thing.”
These blogs used to have a black-background-with-white-writing format, to match their T-shirts. Apparently they’re moving to white these days, since the heavy-metal vampyre phantasie design theme made their eyes go funny.
I don’t know how to talk nerd and my computer looks like this….
…so, moving swiftly on…
2. Celebrity gossip blog?
These are loved by secretaries in their lunch break.
How else are they going to pass the time while eating their Atkins salad at their desk? (Ah! Those were the days!)
Sadly, the only celebrity I’ve ever seen in real life was Rolf Harris on an aeroplane, and he’s probably in pedophile prison now like all the other ones, so let’s move on to…
3. Stay-at-home mother blog?
Women read these because being being a stay-at-home mother is crashingly boring.
For a slummy mummy like me, these blogs are pure escapism. They sparkle with cupcake photos in scrumptious colours, puppies and kittens romping in the neat garden, and cute photographs of children’s hands engaged in craft activities, avoiding showing their faces because there are perverts online.
They offer parenting advice which is mostly a statement of the blatantly obvious (“Always carry baby wipes in your handbag for when your kid mashes food into your breasts and wipes his nose on your hair” type of thing) or blatant lies (“Miracle way to teach any child to stop interrupting IN ONE DAY! Tell him to touch your wrist, and wait till you’re ready to listen”)
They don’t tell you you’ll wear jogging pants every day and start talking to yourself.
They never mention that reading “The Very Boring Caterpillar” three times a day for two months can make you clinically depressed.
The soul-destroying tedium of singing nursery rhymes and building stuff out of Duplo bricks all day, with no adult company whatsoever, goes un-discussed. They gloss over the fact that you’ll do all your poos with a toddler on your lap, who cries so loudly if you lock the door that the neighbours phone Social Services.
And God forbid they should admit that, while they’re uploading photos of homemade marshmallows and checking their reader stats, they’ve parked their offspring in front of a Barbie DVD, set on automatic replay, with a maxi bowl of popcorn so she won’t go walkabout.
Well, what should I do?
I shall obviously have to beef up my pearls of wisdom on the parenting front. Don’t expect any Domestic Goddess tips from me, though. I am a professional Domestic Slobess.
I’ll be laying the reality of stay at home mummy-ness bare for you. Will it drive my reader numbers up into the millions?
If I start working in that Chinese clothes shop, I’ll give you the address. Please come and buy something.