Housewives exist all over the world, but Sicilian Housewives are a unique breed. Are YOU are made of The Right Stuff? Answer a dozen questions to find out!
1. What is the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?
A) Have a mug of tea.
B) Have a cup of coffee.
C) Scrub all the floors in case some dust landed on them over night.
2. When your clothes are all dirty , what do you do?
A) Stick them in the washing machine.
B) Go shopping for more clothes.
C) Squirt each particular stain with a different brand of stain remover, fill the washing powder drawer with antimicrobial disinfectant of five different kinds, and pass the time whilst the machine is running by wiping it down and giving it a French polish. Slosh bleach into the washing powder drawer during the second rinse and, once the machine has finished, repeat the whole procedure again before hanging up your laundry, because displaying a stained item on your washing line would be so humiliating you would probably have to emigrate.
3. Where is your washing machine, anyway?
A) In the kitchen
B) In the utility room
C) On the balcony, so all your neighbours can see how clean it is, and feel inferior.
4. What is the usual number of courses you serve your immediate family for dinner each day?
B) None. They know the local takeaway numbers by heart.
C) Not less than seven.
5. How do you usually clean the floors in your house?
A) Whizz the vacuum cleaner round once a week.
B) Rearrange the furniture in a concealing manner whenever a fresh mark stands out more than the others.
C) Refuse all social engagements for the day, dress up in a flowery pinny with frills round the armpits and get out 27 bottles of ammonia, hydrochloric acid and other cleaning products which tend to make the dog hallucinate, then scrub the floor with a set of wire scrubbing brushes in 12 different sizes. Then scrub the walls and ceiling as well, just to be on the safe side.
6. What do you use your oven for?
A) Heating oven chips and fish fingers.
B) Making roast dinners and baking cakes.
C) Storing your spare saucepans. If you actually turn it on, the kitchen gets so hot that the oven knobs melt and you can never turn it off again.
7. Just out of interest, how many kitchens do you actually have?
A) One, of course.
B) One, but only because it came with the house.
C) Two. One indoors and another one outside on the balcony, which you use when you are planning to cook things by burning them and disappearing inside a cloud of acrid black smoke.
8. What time do you start preparing lunch?
A) When your tummy begins rumbling around midday.
B) You don’t have lunch – what are chocolate bars for?
C) At 9a.m. as soon as you have finished sanitizing your house. You are hopping with excitement at the chance to hand-peel 1,000 prawns and just cannot hold off any longer.
9. When someone drops in on you unexpectedly, what do you do?
A) Offer them a cup of tea immediately to make them feel welcome.
B) Offer them tea or coffee after ten minutes since it would be rude not to.
C) Offer them nothing, because they should have had some coffee before they came. And also they should know better than to interrupt you when you are peeling prawns.
10. You consider ironing to be:
A) A tragic waste of your time and talents
B) Boring but probably necessary for a few items
C) Relaxing. So relaxing that pressing everything (including socks and underpants) is the highlight of your day.
11. Some friends with a young child come to dinner. The child finishes a colossal plate of pasta. Do you…?
A) Quickly hide the vegetables, and urge them to go for a jog round the block?
B) Ask the parents if their kid has been tested for tapeworms?
C) Cry “Well done! Good boy!” and immediately serve him another two platefuls, before the pudding courses commence?
12. Select your method of cleaning the toilet:
A) Squirt bleach into it at arm’s length, slam the lid and flush.
B) As above, but swizzle the loo brush round a couple of times before flushing.
C) Pour peculiar blue stuff into the toilet and leave it with the bog brush sticking out for about an hour. Then flush the loo and bend right over it, deeply inhaling droplets containing trillions of E-coli, streptococcus and staphylococcus while you scrub your S-bend. Then tell everyone you have no idea why you keep getting these atrocious sore throats since you always keep your house so very clean.
Mostly A: You are a normal, generic housewife and far too laid back ever to be a Sicilian Housewife.
Mostly B: You’re not really a housewife, are you?
Mostly C: Congratulations! You are the perfect Sicilian Housewife! If you ever fancy a holiday in Sicily you can stay at my place and sort it out, as I am afraid things tend to be a bit slack round here.